Bagpipes-(noun)-I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the man-made object never equalled the purity of sound achieved by the pig.
-Alfred Hitchcock
Q. How do you get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
A. Shoot one.
Q. What’s the definition of a minor second?
A. Two bagpipes playing in unison.
Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
A. No one cries when you chop up an bagpipe.
Q. What’s the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline?
A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q. Why do pipers leave their cases on their dashboards?
A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. How can you tell a piper with perfect pitch?
A. He can throw a set into the middle of a pond and not hit any of the ducks.
Q. How is playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
A. You don’t have to be very good to get people’s attention.
Q. What’s the difference between the Great Highland and Northumbrian bagpipes?
A. The GHB burns longer [but the Northumbrian burns hotter]
Q. What do you call piper with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. What’s the difference between a lawnmower and a bagpipe?
A. You can tune the lawnmower, and the owner’s neighbors are upset if you borrow
the lawnmower and don’t return it.
Q. What do you call ten bagpipes at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A start.
Q. If you drop a bagpipe and a watermelon off a tall building, which will hit the
ground first?
A. Who cares?
Q. Why do pipers walk when they play?
A. To get away from the sound.
Ewan: “Hey, friend. How late does the pipe band play?”
Buddy: ”Oh, about a half beat behind the drummer.”
Q. Why do pipers always walk when they play?
A. Moving targets are harder to hit.
Q. What does a piper wear under his kilt?
A. Shoes and socks.
Q. Why do they call it a “kilt”?
A. Because a lot of people got kilt when they called it a skirt.
Q. How many pipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how John would
have done it.
Q. How many pipers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. 5 – one to do it, and four to criticise his fingering style.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune piper, an out of tune piper, or Santa Claus?
A. The out of tune piper. The other two indicate you have been
hallucinating.
Q. How do you make a chain saw sound like a bagpipe?
A. Add vibrato.
Q. How many pipers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Five. One to handle the bulb, the other four to tell him how much better they
could have done it.
Q. What’s the definition of a gentleman?
A. Someone who knows how to play the bagpipe and doesn’t.
Q. What’s the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead piper in
the road?
A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What’s the difference between a dead piper in the road and a dead country
singer in the road?
A. The country singer may have been on the way to a recording session.
Q. What’s the range of a bagpipe?
A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm.
Q. What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
A. A piper.
Q. What did the piper get on his I.Q. test?
A. Drool.
Q. What’s the definition of a quarter tone?
A. A piper tuning his drones.
Q. Why are pipers fingers like lightning?
A. They rarely strike the same spot twice.
Q. How can you tell if a bagpipe is out of tune?
A. Someone is blowing into it.
Q. Why is a bagpipe like a Scud missile?
A. Both are offensive and inaccurate.
Q. What do pipers use for birth control?
A. Their personalities.
Q. How do you know if a bagpipe band is at your front door?
A. No one knows when to come in.
Q. Why did the piper get mad at the drummer?
A. He moved a drone and wouldn’t tell him which one.
If you took all the pipers in the world and laid them end to end– it would be a good idea.
Q. What’s one thing you never hear people say?
A. Oh, that’s the piper’s Porsche.
Q: What’s the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?
A: A Rolling Stone says “hey you, get off of my cloud!”, while a
Scotsman says “Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!”
Q. What’s the definition of “optimism”
A. A piper with a beeper.
Q. What’s the difference between a piper and a frog?
A. The frog might be getting a gig. (Some South Florida Humor)
ANCIENT PIPING JOKE
The lads are marching into battle, with the piper playing away like mad.
The enemy’s arrows, swords and spears are creating bloody slaughter all through the Scottish ranks.
Ten men down, and the piper plays on.
Twenty men down, and still the pipes ring out.
Finally fifty men have fallen, and the chieftain says to the piper, “For heaven’s
sake, can you not play something they like?”
Q. The uilleann pipes are the only instrument declared safe by the National
Transportation and Safety Board (NTSB) Why???
A. They have seat belts and an air bag.
Man walks into a bar with an octopus and declares that his pet can play any instrument in the room and £100 backs up his outrageous claim.
So the fiddler hands over the fiddle, the octopus picks it up and plays beautifully, £100 to the octopus.
Same for the drums, the guitar and banjo….
Thenit’s the piper turn. So he hands over his pipes and the octopus turns them first one way then the other, and not
a sound comes out of it. The owner looks little nervous and asks the octopus whats wrong.
“Play it? I’m still trying to get her out of these clothes!”
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